AMY SCHUMER’S THE GIRL WITH THE LOWER BACK TATTOO.

I remember the elation I had when buying the book. I kept on thinking how I’ve finally found her book which I didn’t know she had written. I love memoirs for the mere fact that you don’t have to be a renowned person or whatever. It’s an account of your life and every human being counts, we all matter and I love perspective, different perspectives. I am such a slow reader for such a light book, in terms of language and even subject. But whatever works for me right?

[silently whispers]To each their own...

Amy Schumer is that crazy big sister you don’t have but meet in camp or in high school and rubs off on you right away for her blatant honesty and unapolegetic nature. And the humour. She takes shame so well, I feel like I can run the world at this point. I wish I knew her personally. Or maybe not. Imagination is never the same as reality.

She talks about vaginas and her only one-night stand ever, being an introvert, her stuffed animals, shoplifting with her sister,how she loves pasta, becoming a woman, boys, growing up Jewish,losing her virginity,becoming a stand-up comedian, how her mom sorta fucked her and her siblings, her dad’s illness, how much she loves New York, how it’s home for her, living with an abusive boyfriend, gun violence, yup, things become pretty heavy.

I am not going to tell you in detail what the book is about, that’s for you to find out.This book made me introspective about how I think about things, how trivial things take up a huge chunk of my overthinking and overanalysis of things. It has made me realise that life is short, you know, like it really is and fussing over such frivolities is just a waste of energy. I used to think that I don’t give a shit about how people think about me but I do and I give plenty of shits about that but reading her own account about how confident she is in who she is, in being vulnerable, in being imperfect and flawed gave me a proper boost. I don’t want to take life too seriously. I figured I’ll miss out on some of the greatest things and people too. All over sudden, I have this surge(that’s not dopamine) of being comfortable in my skin, knowing that all my flaws and imperfections equal my strengths and who Joy is. I know that we always hear about self-confidence and loving who we are and being okay with who we are but until you are self-aware of it then you don’t know what self-love and self-confidence feels and tastes like.

I am learning that I have the power, all the power in who I am. I am learning that if I give someone else the power to define me I’m the one who’s losing out. As I grow older, I want to live my most authentic self, to experience life wholly. I am learning that my vulnerability is my strength. I should not feel intimidated or ashamed cause of that.I am learning that trying to avoid pain won’t protect me from it.I should be able to look my fears in the face and be strong enough to weather it all, whether I kickass or get knocked out. This woman(Schums) is a strong-ass woman in all  the sense of that word, my goodness!

We all want to be this epic creatures and be super achievers and for the longest time, my greatest fear was not living to the end of this that I’d end up being the most basic human being to grace this planet and it always made me sad and I would dislike myself for a split second but I just figured that as long as it brings me happiness and immense joy then that’s what matters. In her chapter about New York apartments, I realized the true value of home,like truly. To think that as her income increased, she would move to a leafier suburb and a more plush location, the likes of Beverly Hills because that’s the obvious thing to do.She doesn’t.She describes how much she loves New York and how she would do anything to live there. I really love vanilla icecream and I used to think that I’m so basic for not having blue raspberry or pistachio whatever as my favorite flavour but I am loving my basic ass. Vanilla ice-cream for the win guys!!!

Above all, I love being a woman, as fucked up as our generation and patriarchal society is. There’s so much going on it’s frustrating but you just gotta shut all that blabber out and embrace your own damn self and know what you deserve. Magazines will tell us this, about being the perfect size, about being desired by men, about how to do it right- they continuously manipulate us to think that’s something we should strive for and even have editions that echo ‘beauty inclusivity’ to show that we’re all accepted but FUCK THAT!

To quote Amy one more time;”I am beautiful and strong and I need no label or any kind of validation for that. I don’t need anyone to tell me my worth. My power comes from within, who I am and what I do. I don’t need that constant hum in the background telling me whether or not I’m good enough.The people I love love me. I am doing well at being human. I am fearless,most times but sometimes I am reduced to a mess and I am okay with that cause guess what? we all have that shit. I’m not bulletproof despite building myself up and truly loving myself but I know my worth, I embrace my power. I will determine my story, not anyone else. I’ll speak and share and love and I will never apologize for it.I am amazing for you, not because of you.I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you.”

If this does not stir anything in your core,then…read that last paragraph again, just one more time.

 

 

 

 

˜Love,peace and joy˜

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A word montage,sort of(for lack of a better title)

Ever got caught up in your own space and it became an extreme sport to drag your ass and do something even in this mundane life.I’m not even going to lie that the last five months were months filled with soul searching, growth, finding myself and all that woke shit. Love and light, sure thing but I did not hop off this writing thing to do just that.In fact, it started as a joke, I did not post and then the following week, I did not bother to write and then I stopped the thought process altogether(these ‘and then’s are dotted everywhere,Joy).  My life has not stopped being a mess, with thoughts everywhere, plans here and there, dreams sprinkled all over like stardust, pencils, crafts, books, people, films filling my space.

I read one book in January(in a book club that I left because I now don’t put much thought in spaces that don’t have a reflection of who I know I am, I don’t even bat an eye,not book clubs, just that I read at my own pace). I just picked a book I like recently, recently being three days ago, it’s fucking hilarious.Yes, I’m now comfortable with my cuss words.Expect a few more like fuck,shit,asshole,bullshit(my favorite), no censoring shit here.I’ve lost my train of thought with this post but keep on reading till the end, in any case I believe that’s how the human brain works.The book is Amy Schumer’s not-autobiography.(You know it just hit me that Trainwreck is ACTUALLY based on a true story, cliche cliche I know buuut it’s based on HER LIFE, like her sister Kim and her dad having multiple sclerosis.Okay, I only know up to that point.Trainwreck is a movie,just saying,her movie.) Before this book, I picked 1984 by George Orwell(school library guys, I absolutely love our school lib) but uuum, let’s just say I got to page 70 something-school,school,school. I haven’t been reading regularly clearly; a poem here, a short story there. Or an article, a blog post.

In the start of January I wrote my goals for the year (of course)*eyeroll and I am practising writing annual themes, last year’s was BE and in retrospect, I give myself a solid 75 %.The 25 I’m still working on. We’re all works in progress right? but still fucking masterpieces. My theme for the year was/is EXPLORE and it’s to basically face my fears ,say YES more and learn parts of myself that I didn’t know existed. Have I achieved any of these so far,hmm? I volunteered for the first quarter of the year and it has to be the epitome of my 2018, it’s an experience that words won’t do justice to, memories that are my ‘time capsule’. I was teaching primary kids and I wouldn’t spend my Jan-March any other way honestly.You know how in primary school we used to end our compositions with “…this day shall linger in my heart till the day I die..”.Now, this was the perfect embodiment of that.

I have been writing my weekly playlists, a habit I’m getting into. I believe my music taste is savoury. I basically listen to a mix of all genres with the exception of music genres I know nothing about. My favourite being ofcourse house & edm, rock and/or alt , one drop reggae ,indie and soul esp afro soul.And a bit of hiphop here and there( they rap too fast, they lose me in between and on top of that,I’m a sucker for lyrics generally.I’m those people who have to look lyrics up,except of course the chorus)I like sultry sounds, heart warming sounds.Sounds that raise the palpitations of my heart because of the beauty that it comes wrapped in. I like music that feels like lazy Sunday mornings, cackling of a bonfire in the middle of nowhere, long warm hugs, fuzzy socks, hot chocolate, groovy Friday nights, your child’s laughter, a lover staring at you, a lover tracing her hands on your skin, eating ice-cream,holding hands, long drives, drinking porridge. I like music that feels human. So, in my ever searching quest for good music, I discovered there’s a SofarSoundsNairobi, like there are small intimate settings for appreciating and jamming to music and all its beauty. I was so elated and if I won’t make it for the 24th June one, I shall apply for the next one and the next one. I also discovered COLORS ( All COLORS, no genres. COLORS is a unique aesthetic music platform showcasing diverse and exceptional talent from all around the globe)– whose aethetic is everything,,period. I also went to my first ever concert,first ever ever ever and I’ve never had as much genuine fun as then, Jazz Festival is the bombdiggity. I’m always skeptical about concerts cause first,very people-y and second-disappointments,from the artists that is, with the exception of Jon Bellion or Daughtry or The Script or Maroon Five or One Direction(1D forever*picture a fist-to-chest bump too). Sidenote- I am still searching for Ciano Maimba’s album.Anyone?

Mid-March or somewhere there, I started watching old movies and indie films. I don’t know what about them that stirs something in me. I am very curious naturally and always try to keep an open mind towards viewing life.So, if you lack the patience in a movie picking up its pace then maybe ‘Paterson’ and ‘Before we go’ won’t be your cup of tea. ‘Before we go’ happens in one night and is a beautiful film, with philosophical chimings and a very ‘humanheart’ edge to it.Can you imagine Paterson is a 2 hour long movie that’s basically about the life of this bus driver called Paterson who lives in a small town called Paterson too, a whole week.It’s basically a depiction of the small details of regular human life, of the mundane-ness of it all, of contentment;its exuberance. His wife,I fell in love with this character, she’s a stay at home wife who paints curtains, rugs et cetera et cetera,bakes cupcakes, has a dog, a pug I think, sings and loves the guitar which she later buys and learns to play it. She supports what her husband does and pushes him to maybe put his poetry to the world.Paterson writes poetry, that revolves around their mundane life as well.He also walks the dog every single night when he goes to down one mug of beer at the local and also fixes their postbox every day when he gets out of work. Trust me these are the highlights of the movie, oh! he also doesn’t ‘believe’ in smartphones.

Everyone should watch The Perks Of Being A Wallflower ,I cried when watching it and it’s not even emotional. It has Emma Watson ,is that incentive enough? No? Okay, check this quote from the movie; “we accept the love we think we deserve”. And it’s adapted from a book.There you go, three incentives to watch it.Boy Meets Girl is about this trans kid who went through shit and has a very loving guy best friend. The guy best friend(forgotten name) really likes her, he looks at her like she’s his whole fucking galaxy! Just watch it.Those are the ones that make it to honorable mentions.And I watched Supa Modo, directed and shot by our very own, in our motherland Kenya. I did not cry,suffice to say. Good job Mugambi and team. What a spectacular show;the visuals, the music, the plot execution, the casting, ah! nothing short of a stellar performance.

I haven’t been following podcasts keenly ,there’s one though. The Chai Podcast, hosted by three brilliant, outspoken,informed young women;Arafa,Neema and Nuura.The episodes are hour long, with an extra 7, 10 or 15 minutes but I love their conversations. You can tell their thought process is quite clear. I have also been watching youtube immensely (nothing new here) with a new sensation in my notifications ‘…Wahura Kabutha…in the building…’

To think that my unsolicited opinion counts and there’s someone who’s read to this point… I haven’t moved around or actively participated in gigs across town, but I am perfectly okay with that. I just wanted to spend time in my bed or on my study chair or with my friends. I guess we all feel like that sometimes, to not go anywhere, to just talk and laugh with friends, to enjoy these small overlooked things; folding clothes, washing the house, taking a bath, preparing a cup of tea, frying an egg, to just sit and not think if you have plans for the weekend, let life unravel itself.

I hope your five months have been nothing short of beauty and not doing shit doesn’t make it any less beautiful. Beauty is accepting all states of your existence ,as you morph into the person you are meant to be, the person God has meant you to be. I hope you have laughed until all you can hear is silent laughter. I hope you have cried and felt better afterwards. I hope you have been kind to everyone around you. I hope you have not brought anyone down by your words and if you have, I hope you forgive yourself ,ask for forgiveness and promise yourself to do better. I hope you have hugged people a bit longer, just a tiny bit. I hope you wear your smile like the work of art that it is. I hope you have had conversations with yourself. I hope you have reached out to those you call friends, even old flames. I hope you still check up on your ol’ folks. I hope you have taken walks. I hope you have tasted rain with your hair, your face,your feet, your spirit. I hope you have experienced the sun with a light heart and open arms. And I hope you have loved, and told people you love them cause love,we are not promised tomorrow. And if you haven’t felt any of these, put your phone down and go drink a glass of water,hug a loved one,take a walk, read a chapter, dance to a song, just do one small task.You’ll feel slightly better.I promise.We’re all in these together.

 

Feel free to let me know how you are, how is life treating you,what are you reading,listening to,watching etc etc.I’d love to know-joyyy

 

 

∼Love,peace and joy∼

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Roadtripping the best way yet

Exams were taking a serious toll on me and it had just been two papers. I was absentmindedly thinking of what to do to wrap the end of this sem and I wasn’t coming up with a tangible plan so I brushed it aside.A few days later I get a call from my friend and she asks me if I had anything planned after exams,I reply negative,she asks if I’m game for Naivasha and ofcourse I say yes.

So maybe you’ve always wanted to hit the road with a couple of your mates for good times or you’re just a homebody with no plans for ever getting off your bed and exploring but still have that wanderlust going for you.Naivasha is always a plan especially if it’s a large…ish group of people.In all honesty, you’ll need:

A group of friends

Cash,like a bit of a lot

A car,hired or nah

Music, hella good music

                                                                                                   and a free spirit!

Fast forward to the day, it’s cloudy then it starts raining damn it.We leave at around 10 after the rain had calmed down(does rain calm down? really Joy?)  Halfway,we realize we had left some of the drinks behind.We just had to go back and got back on the road again.

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Naivasha is a 2 hour drive and there’s really not much to see.The winding roads don’t end.There are huge trucks and trailer trucks in front of you, behind you,overtaking you,on the other lane.You even feel emasculated.The road(s) is(are) also thin.If you sleep through it,you’ll really not miss out.There are several curio shops littered along that edge and you can have breathtaking views of the escarpments.DSC01886_edited

You should be able to spot a quaint structure in one of those corners, the smallest church in the world( you might argue it’s not) and probably see it too.Read more about the chapel here.

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edited by adobe photoshop

And maybe take photos too.

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From the stopover,we went straightaway to our destination,fisherman’s camp.Their rates were pocket friendly.After payments,we moved and set ourselves to a corner of the camp.There are activities to do but you can also just relax and have a good time.IMG-20180101-WA0030

The evening sunrays really favoured some of us.

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sunsmooched!

So, goof around and make merry,IMG-20180101-WA0028

sip your wine and celebrate good friends,IMG-20180101-WA0026chug your redbull,IMG-20180101-WA0087dance your heart away,IMG-20180101-WA0083crack jokes and talk to your drunk friend,IMG-20180101-WA0091

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Cheers to the new year!

To more of this and many more!

 

Quick Pointers:

i.Transport-we hired a 14 seater van from motogari at 12,000Ksh,to and fro.It’s wise to get a designated driver if you intend to indulge in alcohol.Don’t drink and drive.We’re about saving lives here.

ii.Fisherman’s camp-entry charges at 200Ksh per head.Other activities include bike riding,boat riding and camping.

iii.Have a good playlist.

iv.All these really good photos are by kimwakini

v.Most important tip,have fun!

 

PLAN A ROADTRIP THIS YEAR!

 

Happy 2018!
∼love,peace and joy∼

 

To whomever it may concern,

I don’t know how you pick your friends. I don’t know how anyone picks friends really. Are we friends or acquaintances?Are we friends just out of convenience?At what stage does someone become a friend? Is it a vetting process? Do you have boxes you’re ticking mentally?Or physically? No, honestly what is?

Surprisingly, society has no given absolute so I’m left with so many questions,so many. Society has something to say about your opinions, your thoughts, your actions, your decisions, the options you have, that popular box that’s always referred to when it’s a social matter but friendship makes  no appearance and even if  it does…you catch the drift, right?

We go through life with so many depictions of who your friends should be. Parents depict a picture that friends are the ones who mislead you. Teachers reiterate the same. “Avoid bad company” “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you your character” As we grow up, the same words keep on bouncing back and forth until the painted picture is smudged with confusion and lack of understanding. Even when we are told to keep good company, it’s just assumed that we are aware of what we’re doing. When I was younger I once asked my mom ‘who’s a good friend?’ and she barely answered me.She blurted a ‘haiyaa,Moraa you want to mean you don’t know who a good friend is?All these years…’ sighing as she kept on highlighting who a bad friend is. She never gave me a direct answer. I suppose the opposite of those traits are what should characterize who a good friend is. However,isn’t that just like saying the opposite of dying is living, yet living and existing are not one and the same thing?

Anyway,

I grew up. I exposed myself. I am still learning and unlearning.

I think that friendships need a lot of effort, a lot of it. You are literally learning another human being from scratch, you’re learning their behaviours, you’re learning patterns, you’re seeing another human being with your own biased perspective, you’re understanding that they might be different from you and also learning that it’s okay, that everyone is unique,you’re appalled by the immeasurable amount of love this certain human being has for Aurora or cats or milkshakes, you’re understanding that this person has lows as well,faces a shitload of pain and suffering.You’re also learning that this person has opinions which you might not agree with.You’re learning there’s a line you don’t cross.There’s respect and mutual understanding.You’re learning that you’ll disagree and have rough patches and that you’ll have to work through it,together.You’re understanding that that you are human and social relations are quite something else.You realize that people are people and they don’t understand everything.

You learn it’s about taking the good with the bad. It’s knowing your friend sucks at a particular thing and being okay with it. It’s seeing them when they hit their lowest ebbs and rubbing them on the back softly,comforting them, providing solace as cliche as it sounds. It’s listening to what they are bitter about and talking through it.Heck, it’s not just listening to reply but to understand their point of view and helping in whichever way you can. It’s not using their weaknesses to make yourself feel better.This is bad,very.

You’re learning that communication is the constant bridge you’ll have to construct with every human relation you have.You perceive that it’s going to be easy,talking right? Until it’s no longer about ‘what’s good’, ‘what’s popping’ ,’let’s do this another time yeah?’, but beyond that,until it’s about the real things is when you realize that it’s not easy,people are not easy, people are not products you pick up on a shelf in the mall and read the instructions that are on the back.People don’t come with a label tag. Human beings are layered up, like purple onions and that sometimes you’ll cry when you’re revealing what’s under those layers; the process is tasking.

Communication is the fuel that keeps those turbines rolling, it’s what feeds trust and loyalty, it’s the one that steers the direction and you become aware that human beings are scared,most of the time, that fear is not just a four letter word.You realize the more you talk about the things that matter, the more people let go, that it gets better when you shift the conversations you’re having to what constitutes a person’s daily life;like how they really felt when they managed to get out of bed in time or how shaken they were when they failed a test on a unit they love, or what it means to them being brought up by a single mom, having both parents? being an orphan? You talk about life from the mindless banter about cars and weather and lecturers to more in-depth chitchats, not to compete with the other on the basis of who knows more but to really see life through another person; misogyny,love,heartbreak,death,sex,religion,music,civil rights,masculinity,mental health,the education system,poverty et cetera.

You come to the realization that we live in a very selfish society, one full of narcissistic, lonely and sad people. People who want to maintain that status quo, who want to feed the ego, that and only that.It’s a pity.You also see the menace  that is social media that is destroying us,slowly. People hiding behind memes, all to be taken as humour,comical.It’s never that serious right? But is it? No one wants to talk to one another. People just want to be “on-screen buddies”.Escapism is what our species have resorted to. And now there’s hashtag goals for literally everything.Then there’s squads.Squads are supposedly your closest loop of friends, the ones who always come through, but we don’t talk to our squads, we just have silly chitchats that are immaterial, that lack structure and form,that have no weight,they are just smoke,rise and rise until it disappears.

You figure all this out and decide.You decide whether you want to live a meaningful life.You decide whether you want to fill your space with ‘clutter’. You decide on what you’re letting go and what you’re holding to.You decide to set your intentions right.You decide to take it upon yourself to work on your relations. You decide to stop pointing fingers to everyone else but you. You decide to become a better version yourself. You decide that the best version of yourself is all that’s necessary in this life. What do you have to lose? Everything.Or nothing.

So maybe it all starts by being a friend, by not looking for a good friend, it all starts from within.Cultivate a healthy relationship with yourself.Fill yourself with love till it overflows then you can decorate other people’s hearts with warmth and love and fresh breaths of life.Be at a hundred with yourself then radiate this energy with others;building relations that matter and ones that will last.

That said,no one knows anyone completely.One doesn’t know themselves completely either.One only opens themselves up, as far as they are willing to. I don’t think anyone can lose all their control to someone else a hundred percent,consciously or not.Everyone has a part of themselves that is sacred to them, a part they hold so dearly,cherished.

So bffs? Naah, I don’t copy.

 

 

∞send love to whoever comes your way∞

Angel.

I wake up, sweating profusely, my pillow’s drenched. How did I not wake up sooner? It’s always the same but today’s different. David is sound asleep next to me, his body heaving up and down. It’s always the same nightmare, over and over and I always wake up sweating ,crying. It’s always messy. I head to the shower. David doesn’t need to know. I don’t want to drag him to my troubles. He is a trainwreck already. I grab the loofah and run it across my lean body. ‘I really need to eat better’, I say to myself as I close my eyes. Tears start flowing freely and I tumble down to the bathroom floor and weep. Every time I close my eyes, graphic images appear; faces, familiar faces, strange faces, streets, dark alleys, buses and cars speeding, matatus hooting arms, muscular arms, rough calloused palms. It starts all over again, the terror builds up. My heartbeat picks up and my body starts shaking vehemently. More tears pour. Suicide has been on the periphery of my venomous thoughts but…

Every time I lay my head to rest, that’s the only thing my subconscious picks and replays, a constant reminder of how wretched I am and crashed to the last atom of my existence. I feel it, I feel it to the bone. The pharmacist told me I’ll be alright in a month’s time and I took the prescription religiously, with alcohol ofcourse. It’s been three months and nothing happened. Everything’s still the same, the nightmares- vivid and fresh. Three months since the gruesome events happened to me, three months of having to look over my back, three months of isolation, three months of sleepless nights, my body aches, every single part of it. I have become a hollow cocoon. I hate the world and all of its contents. I hate myself. There’s filth everywhere, just take a look around. I am filth, pure dirt.

I couldn’t stand myself, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and I couldn’t look at myself through other people, so I cut all bonds. I stopped seeing my friends, the text messages and phone calls were frequent until one day they just stopped. I needed an escape plan, so I immersed myself in sativa and sometimes cocaine, I loathed the sting of the cocaine when I sniffed it but nothing could match to its effects, the aftermath was pure bliss. When you’re an empty shell, anything goes. I did not know I was sinking deeper, that the water kept on rising. I started sleeping with my dealer, David. He was always at my place and I liked his company, he did not talk a lot. We never engaged in any conversation whatsoever. We were both fighting our own invisible demons and the substances made us feel invincible, so why talk? He used to sleep on my couch until one day when I startled awake from my nightmares, he was at my door then in my bed and I let him do whatever, I had nothing to lose. I wanted to get rid of the visuals in my head. I wanted the hands to be different ones. I never cared about affection. I just wanted to free my mind from the events of that day, from the imprinted face on my mind, from the cocky smile and the bellowed grunts

I leave the shower and head back as I look for another tee shirt to sleep in. My phone wiggles as it lights up, ‘that’s odd’. I change to the tee and slip back to bed as I check the phone. A missed call and message from Nicky. She never stopped checking in. David turns and faces the other side. Without thinking about it, I shut the phone and pull the sheets. Sleep does not will itself fast enough. Nicky calls again, I don’t know what came over me,I pick up with trembling hands.

“ …hello”, she speaks ,surprise evident in her tone.

“Angel?”

“Is that you? Can you hear me? Angel, please talk?”

“Nicky…” I speak, unsure.

I hear a sigh from the other end. ‘what have I done?’

“oh my god Angel…”she says, in between sobs.

I feel the waterworks gather, ‘why am I so damn weak and emotional?’

“Hey Nicky” I try and hold myself together.

“Angel, please talk to me, please tell me what happened, I miss you Angel. We miss you. Please talk to me, I can’t lose you like that…” she pauses, I hear someone from the background comforting her ”…please Angel”

That’s when I realise I had been holding my breath and how tightly I’ve been holding onto the phone, tears are threatening to pour. My palms are sweaty and there’s this unsettling emotion at the pit of my stomach. My chest hurts so bad and I wish I wasn’t this person. ‘Why does life have to be like this? Some people have it easy, why not me?

“Nicky, he t..touched me, I couldn’t help myself, he touched me.Nicky, I still f..f..eel his hands on me…”and a storm hits as tears fall endlessly. I have never talked about it with anyone and now that I’ve said  it out loud, I feel myself shatter into a million shards.I feel the emptiness.…

” I am worthless, Nicky, I am a mess” I hang up.

I turn and find David sitting upright against the headboard, looking at me with a certain longingness I’ve never seen in him, his eyes look icy like he wants to cry and it scares me, I want to run away, I don’t want him to pity me, to look at me like I’m some broken toy he can fix. I stand to sprint but he moves faster than me as he engulfs me in a wide warm embrace and I sit there, in his bosom. He doesn’t say a word, he just rubs my back until I feel a drop land on my shoulders.

Rosie

She turns round looking for whoever called her name out loud, no one is in sight, another product of her wild imagination, she thinks to herself and shrugs it away. She was not one to be afraid of the dark. She loved the dark, the mystery that hung limply in the air ,with the sound of crickets and the distant noises from the tacky night club along the tarmac road. The road she’s using is well lit, the pale yellow hues from the rusty street lights are her only company that night with the phone vibrations from her pocket, time and again

It’s 10 o’ clock in the dead of night, she’s alone ,occupied with her overwhelming thoughts. She’s three months shy of twenty years. The tears are threatening to pour, just a blink and they will run over, she looks up to force them away. She tries to direct her thoughts elsewhere, ‘oh look the sky is bland today as well, how convenient’ .The moon is not visible, the stars countable…beep…another message, she checks this time, the seventh message from Nat. Natasha, the one person she did not think would do that to her because they are friends…friends

The events of the day slowly trickle in. She remembers how Nat was excited about their date, Nairobi Railway Museum and a simple ice cream treat at Sno, for old times sake. They had a lot to catch up on ,it had been two years, so much can happen in the span of 730 days ,those are so many days in between and video calls don’t do any justice. It’s a Friday, she wakes up singing an upbeat tune, her spirits full of energy mashed with the bright sun rays that shone through her window. She attends her morning class and leaves for the CBD at around 11 am. She’s worn her smile today and her white chucks, two rare items saved for special people.Nat messages her and says she’ll need half an hour but she’ll be there on time.

12 noon.Natasha not in sight but no worries, ‘I’m too anxious to see her ‘she tells herself, so she wanders off window shopping, walking into antique shops and art exhibition galleries.

3pm.No word from Nat. She reassures herself that probably she’s still on her way.’Why do I compromise so much and give excuses for people’,she quells that thought, hunger pangs have struck. The scent of fries wafts in the air and as she walks right outside fast-food joints ,her tummy wrings and squeezes itself, but she’s hopeful that Nat shall make it. She walks towards the recreation park as she spots a stand that sells boiled eggs, her favourite ‘street’ snack. She heads off to the rollercoaster rides and gets on one of the cars.

Darkness starts to seep in, it quietly swallows the city and soon enough, technicolor lights flash throughout the city with hooting and tooting of motorcycles, shuttles and cars. She’s now troubled. ‘Nat’s phone went straight to voicemail every time I tried reaching her, so is she ignoring me?’ she asked herself, not willing to face the reality that was forcing it’s way in, ‘did she randomly decide to not show up?’ She consoles herself that she must have a reason. She enters her favourite restaurant and orders a proper meal and as she munches her food is when it all comes to light.

Hey, Rosie . It’s Nat…Natasha. My phone’s out of service. I’m sorry. Something tragic happened. Please come to Mater Hospital… a text from an unknown caller ID reads, her eyes bulge open, she snaps to reality as the words from the message seep into her system. She had so many questions…’It’s 10 pm,is it not that late?’ she asks out loud. “Oh Nat,what could have happened to you? You were very elated the last time we were on the phone. Oh Natasha, oh dear. I pray you are holding up well. I hope it’s not what I’m thinking…oh dear, please let it not be fatal, God please keep her ,just hold her.”

She quickly switches tabs to a taxi hailing app and requests for one. Her fingers were trembling and her teeth knocked against each other. “What happened to her phone? Why did it take her this long to contact me? Here I am thinking what kind of a friend she is after today and I had no clue what she was going through. I am such a selfish person. Am I even a reliable friend? I was ready to rant to Jamie about how friendship is overrated and that sometimes, we’re all alone in this world and that you don’t really need anyone. uugh…” she tries to shush her thoughts as Peter, the taxi driver who she concludes has good taste in music, tries to engage her in something about radio stations in Kenya or was it podcasts,  she was not at ease, she had to get to the hospital. Asap.

She quickly pays via mpesa and sprints to the hospital’s reception. It’s at night so it’s not as packed.

“Hey, my name’s Rosie and I would like to see a friend .She’s a patient here.What’s your name?” she asks, flashing a warm smile.

“Sorry, visiting hours are over,” the receptionist speaks calmly, still typing on her computer. The lady doesn’t lift her head from the screen.

Maybe she shouldn’t have said that last part,she thinks to herself.

“She’s not an in-patient madam” she replies, her tone taking an impatient note.The lady sneers at the mention of madam. ”she needs someone with her and her family doesn’t stay around. Please help me. Her name is Natasha Silantoi, 21 years, tall bespectacled girl with long hair.”

“Room 302B” She cuts her short as she adjusts her oblong spectacles. She squints at the computer, “she’s with someone as well, a girl, about the same age. The doctor in-charge left.”

The lady turns to the telephone on her left and Rosie takes it as her cue to leave, unbeknownst to her where room 302B is.

“Rosie”…she turns around, ‘oh so, she did get my name’

“Wait a minute.” She’s on the phone, interjecting with ‘ehee’ ‘oooh’ ‘sasawa’…more ‘ehee’…mhhh.She then directs me to the room, on the first floor,left wing. She pretends to have a composed walk and as soon as she gets to the stairs, she races up and looks for the room hurriedly.She slowly turns the door handle not knowing what to expect. The palpitations of her heart are so loud, she stops turning it to put herself together and whisper one final prayer.

She opens the door and her eyesight is blinded by the bright fluorescent light for a moment, she takes it all in- the beeping machines, the dripping water, the pale blue walls, the heavily antiseptic-laden air with the nauseating effect, she loathed hospitals, the cotton swabs on the hand that was hanging, almost lifeless, her breath hitched. She realizes she’s not alone in the room when someone tries to hold a sob in and fails, it sounds distant yet so painstakingly present, like how a whirlwind rounds up. She sees the girl the lady at the reception had informed her about, she’s shorter than Nat for sure and curvy as well.Her face is familiar but doesn’t ring a bell, it’s like she’s met her before but also seeing her again for the first time. She’s holding onto Nat. Rosie moves to the other side to embrace Nat, not knowing where to place her hands. She holds Nat’s right hand and looks at Nat longingly, at her peaceful face. The face that always lit up with her energetic persona. The face that always donned a smile.

“I don’t think we’ve met before. My name’s Rosie and you are?”

“..name’s Eva. We’ve met before actually, on one of your skype calls with Nat,”she replies, almost in a whisper as she takes another tissue from the pack in front of her.

Nat shifts and they both turn.Anxious.

“Rosie,’

“Nat” she moves to hug her small face that’s perched on pillows as she helps her to sit up.

“Oh dear! Natasha…I have missed you so much. There’s a throbbing ache right here,” she moves her hand to point to her chest, “ I need to know what’s up” her forehead crinkles as they both stare at each other. Silence.Nat opens her mouth and the words she spills hit Rosie, hard.

“I fainted when I was alighting the bus, Rosie…”she stops mid sentence,

“so poor ventilation right? not enough oxygen yeah? not enough blood flowing to your head right?”

“the doctor said…”

“you’ll be alright Nat,yes? I know you will”

“Rose, I have cancer.”

“w..what? No, that can’t be”

“I have cancer,Rosie,” she said it again as tears fell down and hit her round cheeks.It was as if she was also registering that for the first time.

She felt like several daggers had gone through her abdomen, and were now being turned like cogwheels and with every turn she could hear the words ‘I have cancer Rosie’, being reiterated. It engulfed her ,her face became hot and everything blurred until two streams trickled down as she felt her face getting wet, the banks had broke.

“I’m so sorry Nat. Oh God! I w..was so mad at you, so m-mad at myself. I was caught up in my head. I am such a selfish person Nat…I did not…oh my!…but…what’s wr..wrong with..”she stuttered, incoherently.

“It’s okay.I would also be m..mad at y..you, I understand. It’s okay,Rosie,”

“No,it’s not o..okay” she replied,shaking her head  vehemently. She held Nat’s hands and they both wept ,uncontrollably.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

joy moraa∼

PEEP INTO MY PERSONAL SPACE;OCTOBER MUSINGS

you are deserving of the warmth you radiate within others

you are deserving of the love you give to other people

you are deserving

-Billy Chapata

It’s like a taking stock kind of thing and a favorites too,more or less. No pressure I whispered to myself.I last did one at the beginning of this year,January.

On my movie playlist:

I recently resurfaced my love for films,not quite ,I increased my tolerance to a 3 maybe.Do you ever go through a phase where you just don’t want to watch any thing?Like zero tolerance?This phase could last weeks,months-if it goes past that, your bond with films is over.Just stop rekindling that flame.I could easily watch anything until months ago I just could not.In retrospect, I was just communicating to my self that your time can be filled up doing other things,that you’ve known the BS they feed you in movies & series, you can literally see through the characters and script and call on their BS ! It all depends what reasons you have for watching anything really,it goes past entertainment. I’m still combing through recommendations and suggestions.

Everything Everything,Movie-Drama/Romance

‘Maddy is a smart, curious and imaginative 18-year-old who is unable to leave the protection of the hermetically-sealed environment within her house because of an illness. Olly is the boy next door who won’t let that stop them from being together. Gazing through windows and talking only through texts, Maddy and Olly form a deep bond that leads them to risk everything to be together, even if it means losing everything.’

Can I even describe this movie? I will be doing it injustice.The music playlist,the music playlist my goodness! The aesthetics! The characters! It’s sweet.It’s beautiful. It’s heartwarming.If you aren’t moved when watching it…

The House,Movie-Comedy

Scott and Kate Johansen must figure out a way to earn some money after their daughter’s scholarship falls through. When all else fails, the desperate couple join forces with their neighbor Frank to start an underground casino in his home’ . 

I just loved watching it,for humour and because the moment I saw the protagonists I knew it was going to be shaking my head, facepalming ,laughing and being embarrassed on their behalf. The butcher gets a boner from good grammar usage,”shmggglefff!look at that ,just look at that…”

Marlon,Series-sitcom

“Ooooh heell naaw” how Marlon says it will always get me man! Just go watch it and if you don’t like it,goodbye pal,it was nice ‘not’ knowing you.I take my comedy programs seriously!

Naked,Movie-Comedy

At the beginning it comes off as very unrealistic and I’m almost disappointed in Marlon Wayans,the protagonist, seeing that I was from watching his sitcom, Marlon but as you keep on watching it’s not as dumb as it seems.‘Rob is ready to marry the girl of his dreams, but can’t quite get to the altar. He finds himself caught in a time loop, waking up naked in a hotel elevator over and over again’.It depicts the magnitude of this agreement(marriage) he’s stepping into and every time he wakes up in the elevator it’s a different life lesson. I’m in it to win it

Blue is the warmest colour,Movie-Drama/Romance

A French teen forms a deep emotional and sexual connection with an older art student she met in a lesbian bar’.

This french film(with subtitles) is about the life of Adele, it lets the viewer see life through her eyes, it lets you think. It’s 3 hours long, so a lot of thinking.It’s very intense. I have so many questions,so many. I’d really like to know anyone who’s watched it and their take.

House of Cards,Series-Political Thriller

I know,I know I’m late to the party.I have just started it and isn’t Frank Underwood quite something.So far-intriguing.

Rick and Morty, an American adult animated science fiction sitcom.

I have been living under a rock and got up for air,then bumped into this show.Stop with the eye rolls already.

On my reading list:

I have this bad habit of starting books and stopping midway. If I had a chapati for every book I’ve started and stopped midway,I would be the happiest,fattest girl on this planet.

I just completed The Secret Lives of Baba Segi’s Wives by Lola Shoneyin and I did not like any bit of that book.I read it because I joined a book club recently and it was the October read. I would give it a 2.5/ 5

Books read till midway.I endeavour to complete it this November.Where soldiers fear to tread,an autobiography.I’m still at it.

On my music faves- A girl with no playlist, “It’s never going to be perfect, Joy!”

I have been on some Latino-Spanish vibes,on repeat on my Youtube autoplay,they have a pulling effect!In my search for good music, I decided to google music playlists from some TV shows and guess what, in less than 0.51 seconds,my heart was soaring higher.I found this artist,Natalie Taylor, her voice,you should just sample her music and feel her voice for yourself.

Natalie Taylor-Surrender

Kehlani-Escape

Kehlani-Honey

Anne Marie-Heavy

Skylar Stecker-How did we

Emily Hearn-Volcano

Natalie Taylor-Come to this

Pentatonix-white winter hymnal

About podcasts and channels(Soundcloud & Youtube):

I would really like to know any Kenyan podcasts because I’ve got only three

The Spread hosted by Karen Kaz Lucas and Nini Wacera.About sex positivity.Everything you want to know about sex,they are your guys, everything and everything.If you’re reading this with that mindset that sex should not be spoken out loud,leave alone conversations about sex,it’s about time you open your mind pal!

Cut the foreplay hosted by Nadia Favre and Linda Nyangweso.Think it’s another sex podcast? Think again.Okay,just go listen to one episode,just one then after the twenty episodes,after that listen to them again..haha.Also,Can these fabulous ladies be my buddies?

Televisheni podcast hosted by two young chaps Simon and Tony who ‘believe’ that are you even a millenial if you don’t have a blog or youtube or podcast? A lot of talking goes on there and banter about movies, kind of review movies and talk about everything else.

My Youtube faves are a mess but just a mention-Lavendaire,Green Calabash, Levis Ryan, Joy Kendi,This is Ess,Wanjiru Njiru,Maxine Wabosha, Over25, Jordan Clark and Meet the Peaces.

Socials:

Been following Billy Chapata,Malanda,The Slumflower and The Artidote. Words heal.

On my love life:

haha…how I wish!

Okay my self , family and friends are doing just fine.Better now?

On little things that complete my life:

making crafts-pinterest is major inspo!

journalling-it’s a habit I’m instilling,sometimes your lazy bod lies to you.

drinking lots of masala tea,with milk and coffee.

drinking water.

calligraphy & handlettering-feeling some typa way about it,kinda in kinda out.

Words I’m living up to:

“God speaks to you though your intuition.Your intuition speaks to you in the way people make you feel.Don’t leave your internal messages unread”-Billy Chapata

“The best people are the people who don’t make you lose pieces of who you are,but the people who help you connect the dots to yourself even more,not someone who “completes you” in the cliche poetic sense but someone who actually adds on to all of the pieces you have already,someone who helps you get closer to who you truly are,someone who helps you ascend on to higher plains,someone who helps you come back home to yourself”-Billy Chapata

Don’t avoid things in the name of avoiding being cliche.You enjoy what you enjoy,accept it! – twitter.

Feel free to share what you’ve been upto.Would love to hear your responses.

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Have a mojo jojo week folks!

 

love,peace and joy