FIX YOU-Nugget II

Contemplation:The words that remained unspoken,the thoughts that kept on pounding and resonating,the cogs that kept on turning,again and again.

“Should I ask him?…or maybe not.I do not know what is going on really.Why can’t he just let me in?I thought we were already past that.I thought we had broken down those walls,together.I thought we were at a point where we could see through each other’s soul.

We are not a couple,I repeat not a couple,not dating,not nothing haha because c’mon I don’t see him in that way,ever.I know people say that platonic is such a ridiculous thing,that it’s just an excuse people use to get out of situations(I do not know which situations these could be honestly)but this,like what I’m saying is that…uurgh,you get what I’m saying,right?

He is the only friend I know of,all the others are mere companions,acquiantances.I do not even do labels like bestie,bff,cff and all that shebang’.I just know that we connect on a very different level,unknown to the world around us,ineffable to everyone else.Its only him and I,you know?As corny as that sounds oh! and a 3rd person too,that amazing big guy up there.

There’s something going on here and I cannot wrap my head around it.He’s falling back to that old habit of his;the forced smiles,the slouched shoulders,the looks he keeps on giving me that he thinks I’m oblivious to.How more obvious can he get?This used to be like routine a while back till we took the right steps going forward  and now he thinks he’s going to go back into that slump,nope,not on my watch.The saddest thing is that this side of his comes with a handful of jokes and more stories,so ironic.I have never understood where all these stems from really.

And the thing that hurts me though I don’t show it is that I know all these and I know you  know that I know  it so damn well but I’m waiting for a miracle to happen,you know like some sense to finally snap in that head of yours.For you to do something,say a word,any word and stop this nonsense already.I have a bad feeling in my gut that this is gonna be a hurricane crashing on both of us,hard
.I hope you speak up before I start my rounds of ‘playing cop’ and we both know you don’t like it or do you now?We’ll know about that sooner or later.

Sooner.

I’m so sure it will be sooner.”

(“This is her inner voice speaking*makes sounds of clearing throat*Can they read this Jo?cz I WANT them to”

(she calls me Jo,how cool can she get?)

“yuuuup,go ahead you’ve been nagging me since I can even try remembering”

“Yea yea,whatever*sneers*Being in her head is such a roller-coaster man!Like where should I even start*sighs*…….”

“I have to cut her right there because she rants and rumbles and cusses like a sailor.”)

Adios amigos;)

Advertisements

FIX YOU

You see those egg shells,they’re all broken,spread out and guess what?They can’t be fixed too.

 

She could see him hurting but there was nothing she could do about it really.She could see the fatigue in his eyes,how it was taking a huge toll on his soul,on his whole self literally.She could see how he suddenly kept on zoning out of conversations they were having.She tried giving him signs that he normally read onto,he knew what she was asking for but he had to pull the ignorant card on her,giving her nothing but the “I-don’t-know-what-you’re-talking-about-please-enlighten-me”.She knew better,he was just bullsh*tting her.

Whatever it was,he still could not tell her,just not yet.He trusted her yes yes he did,so much you have no idea but a part of him was holding back and he didn’t know how to spell it to her.Should he write a song,or maybe craft a poem or should he draw,paint,you know whatever this human heartstrings normally tug onto but normal is overrated,besides he was not a knack at either of all that,all he could do was make her laugh?Yes,he had a great sense of humor and cracked jokes that knocked her off her composure,made some ridiculous puns just to see her eyes crinkle and tears well up as she broke into fits of laughter.

And oh boy!Didn’t her laughter make his heart warm up.It was a constant reminder of how life was such a beautiful thing,her being the rainbows and unicorns in his life.He tried thinking of how it would be if she came to know what was going on in his life but he couldn’t come up with the picture of that because it hurt,it hurt so bad,breaking his soul so much that he could feel the high,”Hercules” wall of tears he had been building up was not strong enough anymore,he could feel the tears forcing their way out through the small cracks they had tried creating time and again,trying to come to the surface.He knew so damn well that it was not going to be a pretty sight He knew that one way or another he had to tell her because soon,soon enough,he will be….

(Guys,listen to Birdy*I loooove heer*-All about you,it sort of relates to this drizzle of a tale that is just on its onset.Let’s ruuuumbllee eyy?)

First blog post

This is the excerpt of My First Post.After Two Very First Posts.

So,finals are coming up and that is when it hits you that the whole of the semester is rounding up;the referee has blown the final whistle, my guys.So,’Study leave’ that’s what this good school that I’m in coin the fact that they are tired of seen 19 year olds and 20 year olds for three months straight and they want a break from all that sightseeing,you know,to grasp reality or whatever it is they do when they aren’t piling on us loads and loads of assignment and when also not telling us that one plus one is not equal to two(discrete math is a whole uncharted territory that my life path is headed to,unfortunately for me…or is it econometrics-I have no idea,we’ll cross that bridge when we reach there,aight?)

So,day one is Monday and I have my study table prepared you know the likes;Humongous books of Microeconomics and Finance,oh and Calculus too.How can I even forget Calculus;Damn,calculus is a core unit in my academic life like for good.Pens check,Laptop check(for past papers purposes,not music,not movies don’t get it twisted folks)flashcards check post-it-notes check.I am so prepared you have no idea.The moment I turn my laptop on to check the documents,I find my index finger slowly drifting to the google chrome icon and it registers in my head that no studying is happening today but do I try and stop the index finger?No,infact my whole self tunes out and you know how youtube is,such tempters with the ‘recommendations’ and the ‘up nexts’.Very clever,brilliant. Youtube will most definitely be the end of me this week but on the flipside,I am adding to my well of (air quotes) knowledge.I try to cheer myself up, more like justify my wayward thoughts and actions.And that is how my day starts and ends but along the way,I decide to read blog posts by the very humorous,relatable Biko Zulu.I do not know why it took me quite long to start reading his blog.Honestly,I don’t know where the heck I was and what I had been doing.I also found this blog,Nicholas Rinth and I liked how it was presented-the style and everything,then I stumbled upon more blogs from around the globe and then it dawned on me that I could have my very own blog,how exciting and thrilling can that be?

Let me tell you something eh, I used to think that owning/having a blog was like a big deal(times  when I was quite the daft person in the crowd).Like you had to be a big person or accredited by some sort of I-dunno-what,just those big bodies with looong acronyms,but thank the heavens,now I know.I can have one.Anyone can have one and you can make it how you want it to look,write whatever content you want,do what you want to do with it,even if one day you wake up and you feel like shit and you do not give a hoot about nobody,delete it.(No,please don’t,we’re all trying in this messed up world)

So that day I slept thinking of how awesome my blog will be,first with a fancy name eh,with constant updates because for me,in my world I find peace with words,I heal from the ink I spill,from the graphite I scrape away,neatly or not.I love creating stories-forming characters,plot twists and the likes.Tuesday,the following day I woke up with a revived spirit,sat down on my laptop,filled in the necessary details and wrote my first post and drafted my second one waiting for the next Tuesday just to click update(I was so excited,you can tell)

However,afterwards something happened,something changed.It is not that I ran out of things to write or share,in fact my journals are bleeding.It is just that life happens,I started thinking of how I should have my posts be the definition of perfect,with vocabulary that just sounds good to one’s ears(more especially a British folk) and the flow to be as fluid as it can ever be,with the…I just do not know.I wanted to read them and be like ‘hell yeeeaah!That’s wassup man’ ‘Bombdiggity yaass!!’You get what I’m trying to communicate,I know you do but you know what I realized ;fuck perfection and fuck being flawless and fuck all this validation and pressure that at times we all exert on ourselves not knowing that we are only hurting ourselves and no one else.

Two weeks went by with me throwing my new blog to the backseat and trying not to think about it,keyword being ‘trying’.(It wreaked havoc in my always busy brain,needless to say)

 A sense of calm and realization finally settled in me one day out of the blue and nothing felt as good as that.Lip service doesn’t assure you of anything.It should be a conviction  that comes from within,your whole self should be in sync and that is all that matters,nothing else,no one else.

And,my guys,that is how things turned out for me not really good but we’re getting there.

Side note(s)-1.I did read for my finals and my results were good enough.2,No,I’m not having a hard time or a breakdown or anything of the sort.3.I love coffee.4.I do not cuss as much as observed above.

 

Have a MOJO JOJO week.Cheers!