So,finals are coming up and that is when it hits you that the whole of the semester is rounding up;the referee has blown the final whistle, my guys.So,’Study leave’ that’s what this good school that I’m in coin the fact that they are tired of seen 19 year olds and 20 year olds for three months straight and they want a break from all that sightseeing,you know,to grasp reality or whatever it is they do when they aren’t piling on us loads and loads of assignment and when also not telling us that one plus one is not equal to two(discrete math is a whole uncharted territory that my life path is headed to,unfortunately for me…or is it econometrics-I have no idea,we’ll cross that bridge when we reach there,aight?)
So,day one is Monday and I have my study table prepared you know the likes;Humongous books of Microeconomics and Finance,oh and Calculus too.How can I even forget Calculus;Damn,calculus is a core unit in my academic life like for good.Pens check,Laptop check(for past papers purposes,not music,not movies don’t get it twisted folks)flashcards check post-it-notes check.I am so prepared you have no idea.The moment I turn my laptop on to check the documents,I find my index finger slowly drifting to the google chrome icon and it registers in my head that no studying is happening today but do I try and stop the index finger?No,infact my whole self tunes out and you know how youtube is,such tempters with the ‘recommendations’ and the ‘up nexts’.Very clever,brilliant. Youtube will most definitely be the end of me this week but on the flipside,I am adding to my well of (air quotes) knowledge.I try to cheer myself up, more like justify my wayward thoughts and actions.And that is how my day starts and ends but along the way,I decide to read blog posts by the very humorous,relatable Biko Zulu.I do not know why it took me quite long to start reading his blog.Honestly,I don’t know where the heck I was and what I had been doing.I also found this blog,Nicholas Rinth and I liked how it was presented-the style and everything,then I stumbled upon more blogs from around the globe and then it dawned on me that I could have my very own blog,how exciting and thrilling can that be?
Let me tell you something eh, I used to think that owning/having a blog was like a big deal(times when I was quite the daft person in the crowd).Like you had to be a big person or accredited by some sort of I-dunno-what,just those big bodies with looong acronyms,but thank the heavens,now I know.I can have one.Anyone can have one and you can make it how you want it to look,write whatever content you want,do what you want to do with it,even if one day you wake up and you feel like shit and you do not give a hoot about nobody,delete it.(No,please don’t,we’re all trying in this messed up world)
So that day I slept thinking of how awesome my blog will be,first with a fancy name eh,with constant updates because for me,in my world I find peace with words,I heal from the ink I spill,from the graphite I scrape away,neatly or not.I love creating stories-forming characters,plot twists and the likes.Tuesday,the following day I woke up with a revived spirit,sat down on my laptop,filled in the necessary details and wrote my first post and drafted my second one waiting for the next Tuesday just to click update(I was so excited,you can tell)
However,afterwards something happened,something changed.It is not that I ran out of things to write or share,in fact my journals are bleeding.It is just that life happens,I started thinking of how I should have my posts be the definition of perfect,with vocabulary that just sounds good to one’s ears(more especially a British folk) and the flow to be as fluid as it can ever be,with the…I just do not know.I wanted to read them and be like ‘hell yeeeaah!That’s wassup man’ ‘Bombdiggity yaass!!’You get what I’m trying to communicate,I know you do but you know what I realized ;fuck perfection and fuck being flawless and fuck all this validation and pressure that at times we all exert on ourselves not knowing that we are only hurting ourselves and no one else.
Two weeks went by with me throwing my new blog to the backseat and trying not to think about it,keyword being ‘trying’.(It wreaked havoc in my always busy brain,needless to say)
A sense of calm and realization finally settled in me one day out of the blue and nothing felt as good as that.Lip service doesn’t assure you of anything.It should be a conviction that comes from within,your whole self should be in sync and that is all that matters,nothing else,no one else.
And,my guys,that is how things turned out for me not really good but we’re getting there.
Side note(s)-1.I did read for my finals and my results were good enough.2,No,I’m not having a hard time or a breakdown or anything of the sort.3.I love coffee.4.I do not cuss as much as observed above.
Have a MOJO JOJO week.Cheers!